Next month, I will be moving away from a focus on writing output, and transition into a new theme of body and movement. I am having mixed emotions about this. I will certainly continue to write and make posts here, so I am very glad to have started this year off with a daily writing discipline. I feel like I can really dive into how I think and feel about the goings on of my creativity and day to day life through writing.
The mixed emotions come from habits. Physicality has always been a part of my life, but it has fluctuated in waves over the years. It has understandably always been connected to aspects of self-worth, attractiveness and the like. There is also this masculine aspect too, from sports teams and the social or family pressure to innately just be good at physical things.
When I was in high-school I did a lot of physical things on top of my creative exploration. I was part of a soccer team since I was 8. My stepdad is a soccer fiend, so he was always a big part of that with me. He coached my sisters team, assistant coached my team, and always drove me to and from practice and games. Often times the drives consisted of a barrage of ways I could improve my game.
I ran track and field as well. I was always dead last. When I did runs and exercises with my team, I was always the back of the pack. I played goalie, which obviously involves less running. I speed skated too, but it was short track. It’s clear to me now that I don’t genetically have the endurance ability that my peers did. At the time it gave me a little bit of confusion here and there.
When I went into university, I had long stopped a lot of my physical output. My days were spent behind desks in class. We had studio acting classes, which were my favourite. We did breath and body work: real slow and intuitive stretching and body awareness. In my first two years I went from a consistent 175/180 lbs to 220. I didn’t even realize over that time until one day I caught a funny angled glimpse of myself in a mirror.
I changed fast, I hit the gym often and radically altered my diet. I dropped all of the weight I had gained in just under a year. I was very strict on myself. I felt great, but the constant restriction weighed on me. People made constant comments on how I looked and how I had changed so fast. It made me odd and uncomfortable to be evaluated by my peers when I was just trying to get healthy and better myself.
Eventually I thought I’d managed to find a semblance of balance. I left university and my job throwing trash on the garbage truck was intensely physical, so I felt I could get away with the amount of beer and chips I wanted to consume. That job was intense, and I neglected the softer elements of physical wellness over those years. I collected a lot of tension and poor postural habits that I’m still paying the price for.
Nowadays, I see myself as someone with a lot of deep physical energy. I know from my experiences that when I drain those resources each day, then I am happier and less bothered by the little things. Over the last couple of years I have cultivated some strong habits, but they have sort of fallen by the wayside these days.
Next month I am hoping to reconnect to my body, get stronger, and experience some new physical creative expressions. I hope to make strong steps in the right direction of healing some of the back and neck tension and issues I’ve collected over the years. I am battling a bit more worry on the possibility of failure or lack of progress, but I am positive that the lessons I have learned his month will bring about some good results.
Create Every Day!